This is not about about searching for compassion from others. It’s about searching for my own sense of compassion for others around me. This past summer, I attended an interview with the Dali Lama when he was in Seattle for the “Seeds of Compassion” conference. The interview was actually pretty bad for a number of reasons, but it was cool to see the Dali Lama live even if it was from the rafters of a half-empty Key Arena.
The most valuable part of the experience was an article that came in a free handout when we entered. The article was entitled “7 Steps to Practicing Compassion” which I’ve replicated below. I was a bit surprised at the idea of actually sitting down and practicing compassion. What I discovered is that it is actually really difficult, and is something that should be practiced in a dedicated way in order to bring it into my life.
My life has ebbed and flowed a lot over the past year. Through good times and bad, what I’ve noticed has concerned me: I was more sympathetic and a more compassionate, attentive listener when I was down and out then when things were going well. In short, when I feel bad, I become a better human.
This was kind of sad to realize, but the article gave me hope. I’ve decided to actually dedicate time to practicing compassion. I can feel some immediate difference up front. Specifically, in how I view some situations.
A good example is when someone on the street comes up and asks for money. I have specific viewpoints on whether or not to give out money, but regardless of my actions, I think my thoughts about the person are important.
At times, I’ve thought of these people as bums, drunks or slackers though of course I never act on the thoughts. Then after a string of bad luck this summer I got a brief glimpse at just how helpless it is possible to feel. And I know that on a practical level I have a lot going for me that a random person on the street probably does not. When I’m doing well with my compassion practice, its easier for me to empathize with how they must feel. However, currently this is still the exception, rather than the rule.
That’s right, I’m not nearly as virtuous as I’d like to be.
I like to think I judge others based on how they treat those around them. I accept that I probably factor in a lot of other things like education, aesthetics, and how much they are like me. But I truly believe that practicing compassion might be the key to greater happiness and becoming a better human. By this I mean actual practice: not just reading this and trying to remember it during the day.
I’m surprised and pleased that I am summing up one thing that might encompass the pursuit of such lofty goals. Let me know what you think.
7 Compassion Practices
- Morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual. Try this one, suggest by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.
- Empathy Practice. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves (I’m no exception) and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.
- Commonalities practice. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One of my favorite exercises comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:
- Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
- Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
- Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
- Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
- Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
- Relief of suffering practice. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.
- Act of kindness practice. Now that you’ve gotten good at the 4th practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.
- Those who mistreat us practice. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.
- Evening routine. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.
